Vulnerability

Today I was sharing something on my heart to Troy at church. He asked how I was doing or something like that, and I just decided to spill my guts. Not that we're close friends or anything, but I knew I needed to share with somebody, and he was the first to ask. So I proceed to tell Troy how I've felt disconnected from the church and the pastor, etc, etc.

And then my worst fear is realized... As I fumble through trying to express myself, he takes over the conversation. Of course this isn't the first time this has happened to me--more like the ten-millionth time--and normally I would tune him out, nodding and "uh huh"-ing, and resolve never to open up to him again. Ironically, that's what I was trying to share with him in the first place--that I'm hesitant to talk to our pastor because he may lecture me and not really listen.

Anyways, usually I would give up in this situation and walk away even more disconnected and discouraged, but this time something in me decided I couldn't let it end that way. So I told him. I told him I was starting to shut down. I said I didn't feel like he was listening, and I couldn't handle him dominating the conversation. I admitted that I'm sensitive and even fragile when it comes to relationships. I shared with him my deepest weakness, and opened myself up to even greater rejection.

Vulnerability is a huge risk. Many people avoid it at any cost, and I don't blame them. This afternoon I was remembering how sensitive I was as a child. I felt everything very deeply: my mom's unconditional love(I'm a mama's boy), my dad's temper, the rejection of not having any close friends, feeling stupid because it took me all night to (hopefully) finish my homework. I cried alot. Finally, I had enough, and I put up walls around my heart. I just decided not to cry anymore, and I didn't. I decided not to be ticklish anymore, and I wasn't. I learned to be whoever people wanted me to be, and I was very good at it. But it was very lonely.

Someday when I'm famous you can read the whole story in my numerous biographies, but for now I'll simply close with this: vulnerability is the only way anyone will ever see the true beauty inside me. I used to hide because I thought I was worthless and a failure, but Christ's overwhelming love has totally transformed me. I still have most of my weaknesses, but he loves all of me in the middle of my weakness, and that is what allows me to come out of hiding and be vulnerable.

"The Pretender"

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening?

Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender

Say a prayer for the Pretender.
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender.

--Jackson Browne, from "The Pretender"


This is the life story of so many people I've met, and it breaks my heart. Almost everyone is jaded to some extent. Like the Pretender, we started out young and strong, at first trusting and believing in ourselves, our parents and heroes and friends, and then "growing-up."

Now when I speak of growing-up, I do not mean maturing, which is a process that I hope extends throughout my whole life. I am talking about the time of painful realization that the world is not full of truth and love. The world sucks. And I don't have all the answers. In fact, many of the answers I thought I had were only partially true or even complete b.s. Also, religion does not make sense in real life like it does in Sunday school.

So I think this "growing-up" eventually leaves us with two choices. Most choose to give up on love and truth in favor of "pretending." The struggle is just too hard, and what if, at the end of all the struggling, there really is no truth after all? I guess all that's worth living for is money and pleasure.

But of course if you know me, you know that I don't buy that. I choose the struggle because it's worth it. And so far, in all my honest struggling and searching, the only truth and love I've found is in God, revealed through Jesus Christ. I will not settle for pretending that I have all the truth, and I certainly will not settle for religion, which claims to have all the truth. I choose to pursue truth wherever it can be found, whether in a book, a song, or someone's life or wherever.

writing sucks

Those of you that really know me understand that I am not a writer. There has never been a point in my life where I enjoyed getting my thoughts down on paper. It's just so much work. I should tell you I'm a recovering perfectionist, so when I'm trying to get my point across, I have to write it perfectly, which can be very frustrating and time-consuming. (these four sentences have taken an embarrassingly long time to write)

So why the heck am I writing this? Well I'll tell you: it's because I care so much about ya'll, and I really do want to give you a little glimpse into my world. I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to attempt to semi-regularly post stuff on here that might possibly be of benefit to all ya'll.

Your job is to post encouraging comments, for example: "Tim, this post has changed my life in more ways than you will ever know," or "I never knew words could have so much power."

MySpace

I guess there's at least one person that is still interested in this blog because said person anonimously left a comment requesting a new post. I would like to formally apologize to any of you who are feeling hurt, lost, abandoned, etc. by my absence. A few months ago, I converted to the Myspace cult for practical reasons. It helps me keep in touch with old friends and new acquaintances. So if you want to check out my profile and haven't yet, there is a link to the right.